


Coming Home (The 'To the End of the Universe' Remix)

by DropsOfAutumn



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Rollercoaster, Fix-It, M/M, Voltron: Legendary Defender Season/Series 08 Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 02:12:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19163713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DropsOfAutumn/pseuds/DropsOfAutumn
Summary: Everything is messed up for Team Voltron, but fortunately, the Lions have a plan to fix it all.Entering Black’s cockpit is like standing on a beach after being lost at sea for so long you forgot what it feels like to walk.





	Coming Home (The 'To the End of the Universe' Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To the End of the Universe (and beyond)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331482) by [Lys ap Adin (lysapadin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/pseuds/Lys%20ap%20Adin). 



> Hi, so I was a pinch-hitter for [Lys ap Adin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/) and from all the amazing works there are, leave it to me to choose the one amazing s8 fix-it that's taking you on the most emotional rollercoaster while reading and writing. I LOVED reading the story from Lance's perspective, but I had to add the extra pain by writing it from Shiro's POV. Added some suffering and trauma and well, there you go!  
> Enjoy. Or. well... you know.
> 
> Biggest thank you to [Lys ap Adin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/) for writing the original which you can find [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331482). It will be forever one of my favourite S8 fix-its and I hope this one here can at least partially live up to the original.  
> Hope you like it <3 
> 
> As always biggest thank you to the best [PiscesDragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiscesDragon/) for beta reading ♡  
> 

Here's a thing Shiro would never have believed if he hadn't seen it happen with his own two eyes: after they come back from the nexus of all realities, team Voltron falls apart.   
  
It happens over time. There is no big fall out, no sudden announcement, no waking up one day with the sudden urge to disband. And no one to blame.

Shiro cannot tell whether it happens because Allura isn’t there anymore, whether it’s due to the shattering trauma of watching Allura offer herself up as sacrifice to restore the universe – or if it was something that was bound to happen when five teenagers met and saved the universe, even though their personalities had been clashing from the start.

No one could blame Lance for not coping well and Shiro is honestly surprised Lance actually functions. More or less. At least he’s there when the Garrison wants to give a full press conference upon their return, only excusing himself twenty minutes into the welcome party, a drink in one hand and Veronica’s arm in the other. Shiro does not spare a second thought when she asks for a leave of absence for a couple of days to take her brother home. It is only Hunk who wails when Lance decides to take Kaltenecker with him, since Cuba is a better place for her than desert heat and sand storms. Months after, Pidge still denies crying at his departure. 

But what Shiro thought would be days turns into weeks, turns into a month, and after six weeks and still no answer from Lance to his messages, he starts to worry in between meetings and mission briefings and press conferences.    
  
The deep lines on Veronica’s forehead and the downward curl of her lips whenever he tries bringing up the topic tell him not to drill any further, and so he goes back to assuming everything is as all right as it can get when you’ve lost the love of your life to saving the universe. It made sense. How can you enjoy the end of the war when it has taken your most precious thing with it? 

In the end, it’s Keith who places a hand on his back when he comes to see him off before his departure for a Blade mission. “Grief is a bitch. We can’t help him. He will come to us when he’s ready.” There’s so much compassion and understanding in his eyes that it hits Shiro again how their time in space turned the young spitfire into a confident young man. 

Shiro lets his mind slip for a second - to a Keith who desperately tries to convince the other Paladins that he’s not dead. To a Keith who crosses the universe to find him. To a Keith who jumps right after him when gravity pulls Shiro down.    
  
To a Keith who deserves better than a broken man.   
  
He feels his fingers twitch, wants to wrap his hand around Keith’s shoulder – a place it used to belong, before death and war drove a wedge between them – but the tension in the air makes his gut turn. So he shrugs instead, eyes fixed on the Galra cruiser in front of them.   
  
“Daibazaal, huh? How long will it be this time?” Because they never knew. Never knew if Keith would be gone for a day or a month. 

“When everything goes as planned, I’ll be back in two weeks.” Keith shrugs and there is a smile on his lips when Shiro dares to peek at his face. At the sharp cheekbones and the soft bangs and eyes the colour of the universe. Shiro has often found himself drowning in the mesmerizing eyes of the younger Paladin in one way or another.

When he finds tinges of sadness and longing in Keith’s eyes, it knocks the breath out of his lungs.   
  
But one second it is there and the next it is gone before Keith’s wolf nudges against his leg, making Keith pick his bag up off the floor. Shiro is torn whether a hug or a handshake is the best way to see Keith off, so he does nothing and waves Keith off when his cruiser leaves the ground.   
  
“See you in two weeks.”   
  
It’s almost three months later that Keith sends a single message, asking for landing permission at the Garrison. Shiro gets the ping two hours into a meeting with the Olkarion leader that took Commander Holt weeks to schedule. And when he arrives at the hangar three hours later, Keith has already swept off again, only staying for a short restocking of supplies. A bitter laugh escapes Shiro’s lips when his finger hovers over a message he types out but never sends.   
  
_ “I miss you.” _

***   
  
Pidge is the next to leave his orbit, following a promise of the sheer unlimited research possibilities Olkarion supplies her with. She makes sure to send messages and pictures of her progress on her first self-made robot and weird inventions that look like she combined a toaster with a hair-dryer, but her sleeping schedule has never been the healthiest to begin with and Shiro has a hard time recalling the last time he had actually heard her voice. 

Over a glass of what Hunk calls a ‘Space Margarita’ in the Atlas’ kitchen area on their way to Balmera for another peace referendum, Shiro finds himself admitting he misses her jabbering and Hunk only refills his glass before drowning his own.   
  
“Shay wants me to meet her parents. As in  _ personally, _ ” He tries to change the topic with a gulp, but there, written on his face, Shiro can see the hurt. The loneliness. Out of all the Paladins, Hunk had always been the one to wear his heart on his sleeve. He’s sure Hunk is texting with Pidge to keep updated, but there is only so much one can do to keep a one-sided conversation upright when your days are filled with your Balmeran betrothed and running your intergalactic culinary empire.   
  
“So it’s getting serious? Congrats, Hunk!” His Altean arm floats to pat Hunk on the shoulder before making him fetch some champagne to celebrate. Shiro tries to laugh, tries to enjoy this moment the best he can.    
  
Saving the universe had been the  _ one _ big thing for them. Nobody told you life would go on afterwards, nobody prepared you for the fallout, the re-building, the bad things and the good ones. 

He only wished it would not feel as if he was the only one stuck in the bad things while everyone around him slowly made it out of the pit this war has left them in.   
  
***

Coran is the one who sends a message to all of them when the first anniversary arrives, and it actually surprises Shiro that they all manage to make time. Once they sit down under the statue of Allura when the last rays of sun hit New Altea, it feels like coming home for the first time in months.

It’s good to see Lance, with considerably less shadows under his eyes and a fresh haircut, mocking Keith and drinking wine. "We should do this more often," he says at the end of the night, and Shiro feels like shouting ‘yes,  _ yes _ !’ as he sees Hunk nodding and Pidge smiling and he even notices Keith’s lips curve upwards, when Lance proclaims "I missed you guys."

The wine makes him ambitious, eliciting a bold statement from his mouth: "You're right, we should get together more regularly. Let's plan on it."   
  
“How about once a month?,” Pidges chimes in and Shiro can see Hunk sneak a look down to his fingers, where a golden band connects him to Shay, before agreeing. “I’ll think of something special! You guys like beer, don’t you?”    
  
“Of course, but only the finest!” Lance slaps Hunk on the shoulder for emphasize and it makes Hunk topple over, landing face first in their dessert cake.   
  
It feels good to see Lance recovering, Shiro thinks, as the group bursts out into laughter.    
  
***   
  
The Paladins find themselves in the Atlas’ lounge area five weeks later, crammed on bar stools and clinging to Hunk’s home-brewed beer – which Shiro turns down after one bottle, not liking the bitter taste it leaves on his tongue.   
  
When Keith arrives late, with his arm in a sling and a prominent black eye, Shiro’s heart drops down to his feet. They freed the universe from Zarkon, but he would have been a fool to believe there were no other dangers waiting in space. Keith was just very good at making his Blade work sound as nonchalant as possible.   
  
“Dios mio, Keith!“ Lance fusses at the sight of their leader. “Seriously, these suicidal tendencies have to stop!”   
  
Keith only grumbles, his good hand curling around the beer Hunk had offered. It’s not before a lot of poking and prodding from Pidge and Lance that Keith spills the story of how he'd ended up taking on a wild besloor in single combat, only to find out that doing so had meant he'd inadvertently pledged himself to marry the son of the local dignitary. Extricating himself from that had resulted in the injuries, as neither the slighted son nor his overprotective pack of sisters appreciated Keith's attempt at delivering an ‘it's not you, it's me’ speech.

The laughter is a balm to Shiro’s soul, when he feels the cuts heal that had marked into their bond over the last lonely months.    
  
“So, not up for a sudden engagement?”, he asks Keith later, when they are alone in a corner.

“Nah,” Keith proclaims, his fingers fidgeting with the rim of what might be his fifth bottle of beer. “Seems like I was made for the space bachelor life.”   
  
It feels like a band-aid being ripped off, leaving his heart to bleed. But Keith moving on, finding his purpose and heart out there, is everything he has ever wished for the young hotshot he’d recruited so long ago.   
  
Or so he tells himself.

***   
  
It’s good, it’s fine. 

It’s nice while it lasts.   
  
They make it through a handful more gatherings before Pidge cancels on them in favor of a conference about artificial intelligence and robotics on Olkarion. The sparkles in her eyes when she talks about the speaker lists is enough to forgive her for not turning up. Shiro loves how passionate she is about her projects.   
  
Not even a month later, Shiro finds himself stammering an excuse from the bridge of the Atlas after what seems like two hours of a fruitless attempt to convince Commander Holt he could be excused from their meeting with the Onama diplomats – it would only be for a couple of hours, just to see the other Paladins. But Shiro had learned the hard way that diplomacy weighs more than friendship when you’re commanding intergalactic peace missions.    
  
“It’s okay, Shiro, don’t stress yourself.” It surprises Shiro how calm Lance has become.    
  
“Yeah, actually, two of my chefs are sick! I hate to cancel, but I really, really have to step in for them,” Hunk chimes in and suddenly Shiro feels not so guilty anymore. Life happens. They can reschedule.   
  
But they never do. Hunk's family has a thing, then Lance's does, and Pidge tells him Keith is off for a Marmorite thing. He doesn't resurface again until just before the second anniversary.

This time it's Hunk who says, "We need to do this more often" to a general chorus of agreement, but when no one goes ahead and plans the next get-together, Shiro realises where they are heading.    
  
Maybe it is just inevitable. A long time ago, it was Voltron that brought the five of them together, five people that could not have been more different. But Voltron isn't a thing anymore.    
  
***   
  
They still try sending messages, even though sometimes the reception in space is bad and sometimes Pidge’s sleeping schedule interferes with group messages. One time, Keith’s mission keeps him off the radar for months and it’s another issue when Lance decides it’s time for a social detox. Shiro tells himself it’s his balancing act between paperwork on Earth and diplomacy meetings in space that leaves him plopping down on his mattress without checking his messages more often than not.   
  
His heart still aches when he feels particularly lonely some nights and he finds his thumb hovering over the send button. But how can he reconnect with Keith who is whole, who has a life and a purpose, when Shiro is not even able to hold their group together?   
  
_ “I miss my best friend.” _   
  
***   
  
Three months in, Shiro thinks their friendship is doomed. He admits as much over his third glass of wine with Hunk, who visits him on the Atlas to hitch a ride to Balmera.    
  
“Nah, man, it’s just life. We’ll always be there for the big things! Like the anniversaries! Or weddings!” Shiro tries to hold back a snort. Yeah sure, weddings. It was hard enough keeping a friendship going between five people who barely managed to be on the same planet at the same time. How would he manage a functioning relationship, when he was not even brave enough to hit the send button? He always admired Hunk for his love to Shay and the way they both could work together.    
  
“I don’t know, Hunk. We decided to meet once a month. It’s been four. It would not hurt to hear from Keith more often than every six months.” Suddenly his wine becomes very interesting to look at.    
  
“You haven’t heard from him?” Hunk says with surprise, knocking over his empty glass in shock. “I just... I just got a message from him last week. He’s always checking in with me, especially after his combat missions.”    
  
Shiro does his best to keep from breaking the glass in his hand.   
  
He fails.   
  
***

From the moment he met Keith, everything seemed to gravitate towards the young prodigy. While Shiro had always been the Garrison's Golden Boy (a title he had worked hard to get and still joked about at times), Keith was fire and cinders, always up for a fight, always a thorn in the side of every general, in the side of all his fellow cadets. Always first to break the rules as he went.   
  
And always the one who would be there for Shiro to come back to. Even after the break-up with Adam. Even when everyone tried to keep him from fulfilling the one dream he wanted to accomplish before it was too late. Even after Shiro crash-landed back on Earth with a missing arm and his skin full of scars, having fought and killed hundreds of innocent aliens for the viewing pleasure of the Galran empire.   
  
Where Shiro had given up on himself, Keith had taken over. Had believed in him. Had saved him.   
  
And Keith had made saving him seem like the most natural thing. 

Naturally saving him from the Garrison's examination table. Naturally saving him from alien monsters. Naturally fighting his clone before jumping to his death alongside him. Naturally falling from space to kill Sendak.    
  
Naturally proclaiming his love to him.   
  
There was nothing casual about Keith’s love. Keith loved like with a passion — Hot and eternal, unconditionally.   
  
And completely selfless.   
  
Eager to do everything for his friends, for his comrades, for his planet, not batting an eyelash before selflessly sacrificing himself and his lion. Too good, too kind, too precious.   
  
Too precious to waste his love on him. 

  
Why would Keith want what’s left of Takashi Shirogane? Once Garrison's poster child, now not even half the man he used to be.  _ Pun for his missing arm intended _ , Shiro thought with a bitter laugh.    
  
Dead and revived, grey hair before 30, fighting his PTSD in the depth of night – and not even able to hold on to the only thing this madness of war and bloodshed had left him with. 

It should have been him, not Allura. She had a bright future ahead of her, a boyfriend to care for her. Not a broken mind and broken body, not the monsters Shiro had to fight every night in the dark of his bedroom.   
  
If he failed so badly at keeping his friends close after the war – how should he ever be worthy of any relationship with Keith? Keith, who had proven he would die for him. Keith who deserved someone whole, someone without emotional baggage the size of a space cruiser.    
  
So Shiro does what he’s best at: pretending he does not know. Pretending Keith had not spoken the words Shiro had been wishing to hear for so long.   
  
***

He knows something is up as soon as Matt shows up in his face shortly before dinner time. 

“Hey Shiro, long time no see. How’s my best buddy in the world?” Matt had never learned the concept of being subtle.

“What do you want, Matt?” Shiro groans, shoving him aside to make his way to the Garrison canteen. It’s one of the few weeks his schedule on Earth aligns with Mac & Cheese Monday and he can’t miss his chance  _ again _ .    
  
“Don’t be so rude. I just wanted to check up on you. Like friends do.” Matt follows him like a dog, having to take extra large steps to keep up with him.    
  
“Matt, we talked last week. Or rather… you talked about N7 and I listened.” Maybe it’s his hunger speaking, Shiro thinks. He did not have lunch today due to some urgent meeting about Earth politics he just  _ had _ to be present for. Some days are just like that. Pointless.    
  
“Okay, okay, you got me. I wanted to know how Keith is doing. And I thought you might know.” Why did everything have to come back to Keith these days? Did the universe want to sprinkle salt into his wounds? “So is something going on between you two? Lover’s quarrel?”

Matt’s words cause him to stop in his tracks, realizing what his friend was really after.   
  
“No.” 

He feels the younger guy bump into his back before he turns his head to glare at Matt, who holds up his hands in defense.    
  
“Nothing. Is. Wrong.” Each word underlined with a harsh clarity. He has to keep his guard up, even though it’s painful. “Keith and I are friends. Everything is fine. And if you’ll excuse me… There’s Mac & Cheese waiting for me.”    
  
Why would his friends not stop bringing up the topic he so desperately wanted to avoid?   
  
***   
  
Third time’s the charm and when Pidge confronts him in Allura’s memorial garden on the morning of their third anniversary, all Shiro has left is pure resignation.   
  
Pidge is clever, avoiding the small-talk and the faked smiles, she simply comes up to him and asks "So are you and Keith fighting or something?"   
  
Her straight-forwardness takes him by surprise, but the answer is the same. They are not fighting. They just can’t go back to what they used to be. Not when Keith has a life of his own. Not when Keith would risk said life in the blink of an eye for his broken self. 

Not when Shiro is a coward who does not know how to handle his emotions.

A ping on Pidge’s comm disturbs their conversation and when she starts cursing over ‘Stupid Lance, I knew he would ruin it’, Shiro cannot help but let out a laugh that breaks the tension for a moment.    
  
He’s missed this.    
  
There’s even more laughter when they are all seated at the same table for the first time in what feels like eternity, the statue of Allura watching over them. Keith tells them how the reconstruction of Daibazaal is coming along well after Kolivan and Krolia have taken the lead in the Galran federation, while Hunk tells them about all the planning an intergalactic wedding entails. “You cannot imagine how  _ humiliating _ it felt to ask what that symbol meant. How was I supposed to know Balmeran phallic symbols look like pizza slices?”    
  
Shiro blames it on the wine and the late hour, but he swears the laughter brings tears to the corner of his eyes. His stomach hurts and he would give everything to bottle up this feeling, to keep it for lonely days and empty hours.   
  
Blinking away the tears, he can see Keith from the corner of his eye, laughing with his hands over his stomach. It’s not fair how devastatingly beautiful he’s become, his hair pulled back into a braid, soft strands framing his eyes.   
  
Eyes that stare right back at him, sad and longing and oh so painful while still so mesmerizing - too easy to get lost in.    
  
It’s not fair.   
  
Their eye contact breaks when Pidge clears her throat. “Oh please, don’t mind me. I’m calling it a night. See you tomorrow.”    
  
There are chairs shifted and hushed ‘good nights’ exchanged. And two minutes later, Shiro finds himself facing Keith again, the two of them the only ones remaining at the table.    
  
“Hey.” Shiro tries not to read too much into the shy smile on Keith lips. So he answers “Hey”, as well and feels at a loss.    
  
Hours of missing Keith. Hours of lying awake at night, playing over conversations with Keith in his head. Trying to skirt around the topic, trying to come up with ways to let Keith down softly, trying to tell him how broken he is. 

The conversations all play out differently. In some of them Keith understands. In some of them, Keith falls into his arms. In his favourite, Keith tells him it’s okay. Tells him they should talk more often. And they do, oh they  _ do _ . In the worst version, though, Keith confronts Shiro before he leaves for good.   
  
None of the conversations in his head have Keith with his fingers delved into the soft fabric of a napkin on his lap, eyes fixated on the empty plate in front of him.   
  
"So.. anymore sudden engagements?” Shiro asks. It’s the worst, he thinks. So many options in his head and this is the only thing his jealous mind can come up with?

“No. Still getting used to the bachelor life.”   
  
“I bet you have the ladies swooning over you.” From where he sits, Shiro can see Keith’s grip on the napkin tighten. Shiro blinks once before he finds Keith’s piercing eyes locked with his gaze.   
  
“You know I don’t care about the ladies,” Keith says, a firm undertone accompanying his words. There’s a sudden tension in the air, feeling as thick as butter. And deadly electric.

Shiro tries his best to lighten the mood. He laughs. Short and poignant. As fake as it can get. “And of course, all the Galra boys as well.” 

“Shiro.” Keith’s stern voice and the way his eyes fixate on Shiro’s face are telling enough. Keith is not up for pretending. What a shame, Shiro thinks, when pretending is all he has ever become good at over the last few years.   
  
“What? Blade admiral, dashing pilot, handsome face. What more could anyone want?” Shiro waves his hand to underline his explanation.   
  
_ Yes Shiro, what could you want more? _ _  
_ _  
_ His heart hurts.   
  
But when he hears fabric being torn apart, his hypocrisy has failed. _  
_   
“Or  _ maybe, _ ” A loud  _ thud  _ resonates when Keith slams his hand on the table in front of him. “He’s waiting for a certain Paladin to get his head out of his ass and finally talk to him.” His bellowing words resonate in Shiro’s ears. It’s been a long time since he has heard Keith being so angry and sad at the same time. And an even longer time since the anger had been directed towards him.    
  
“Keith,” Shiro tries to calm him. He wishes he could just pull Keith into a hug. But he can’t. Not when he’s only half the man he used to be. Half the man Keith deserves. And not the Paladin Keith sees in him; not anymore.   
  
He regrets the words that come out instead. “You know I’m not a Paladin anymore.”   
  
He gets rewarded when Keith suddenly snorts a “Good Night” and leaves the table in an instant. The remains of his napkin torn into pieces and lying on his seat. Gazing at Shiro as if trying to mock him.   
  
_ Way to ruin the mood, Shiro. _   
  
***   
  
At three in the morning, the Lions step in.

Shiro wakes up to a voice in his head he thought had forsaken him long ago. The voice is warm and firm, humming him out of his sleep.    
  
There are more voices in the hallway and he finds himself in front of his room, amidst agitated Paladins – even though he’s not sure how he got there. 

"Is that—are the Lions calling for the rest of you, too?" Because it cannot be. Can it? 

"Loud and clear," Hunk yawns, and Pidge nods. They are in their pyjamas and Pidge tries to rid her eyes of sleep before putting on her glasses. _  
_   
"We had better go see what it is they want." Shiro touches his fingertips to his temple before shaking his head briskly. It’s too much, too soon. It feels so foreign yet so familiar, the intimate humming of the ancient sentinels nudging softly at his mind, as if asking for permission to bond. A bond he had thought irreversibly broken for so long. This can’t be. He’s not worthy. Not like this.

"And maybe why they want it at three in the fricking morning," Pidge’s muttering disturbs his thoughts as they all start moving again, heading for the side door that's the closest exit to the gardens and the little hill beyond. The Lions are waiting for them, towering next to Allura’s statue like they belong. "Three in the morning, for crying out loud. This had better be good."   
  
Hunk stretches an arm over to tousle her hair. "They're probably just messing with us, right?" But even Hunk doesn't sound like he believes it.

"I'm breaking Green down for scrap if she's fucking with me, so help me," Pidge mutters, not a lot of actual heat behind it.

The hum nudges against Shiro’s thoughts, brushing waves that feel like ‘It’s okay, you  _ ARE  _ worthy’, and Shiro tenses. He’s not. He’s not anymore. There was a reason why their bond had been broken. But Black pulling him in feels so warm, so familiar, yet certain and commanding. The subtle waves and rhythmic hums to his mind grow stronger and Shiro is sure he can hear his lion whisper.  _ ‘Come. Come here. Come to me.’  _

His lion? Black’s not his lion, not anymore. 

Does Keith hear Black calling him as well?     
  
  
New Altea's night-blooming flowers are perfuming the air outside, and something about the weight of the night sky and its stars and the gleam of the orbital structures manages to silence even Pidge and Hunk's idle banter. The five of them hurry across the grounds, following one of the graveled paths through the garden and past the statue before it gives way to the verdant, moss-like ground cover and even the scuff of their slippers is muffled.

The Lions wait for them at the crest of the hill, limned in starlight, their eyes dark until the five of them come to stand before them.   
  
Shiro looks to his right and it punches the air right out of his lungs. Keith is looking up at Red, never sparing Black a second glance. He sees Lance lining up next to him, his gaze fixed on Blue.    
  
They are back to their original positions.

_ ‘Welcome back. _ ’ Shiro swears he can hear Black laughing at him. As if the lion had actually missed him. In his gut, he feels the weirdest mixture of dread and anticipation while a missing piece of a puzzle returns to his mind.   
  
_ ‘It's time to go,’ _ the black lion hums – and the Paladins around him erupt into a flutter of thoughts as they seem to be confronted with a similar declaration by their lions. Lance asks "Go?" and it aligns with Pidge's "Go where?" and Hunk's "Huh?"

There’s a tint of resignation to Keith’s voice when he asks "You're leaving?" and it tugs at Shiro’s heart just a little.   
  
But Black makes no effort to leave. She bends down instead, opening her jaw as if inviting him inside. Him. Alone. As her...   
  
As her Paladin.    
  
Shiro sighs. A title he involuntarily discarded so long ago.

Being offered to his broken self. He did not deserve Black’s kindness.

"Okay, but where are we supposed to be going?" Pidge voice breaks his thoughts. She's got her feet planted and her arms folded across her chest. She seems just as reluctant to move as Shiro.    
  
Everything feels so surreal.   
  
Pidge huffs at whatever Green is telling her. "Beyond? Beyond what? You're not making any sense!"   
  
When Black nudges at his mind this time, it’s not only a voice he hears. Like an optical illusion, there is an image forming in his head. Of a familiar shape, white and flowing hair, and the pink colour of her Paladin suite. Shiro chokes on air when Lance exclaims “Allura!” in the most desperate way.   
  
The lions want them to find her. _ How was that even possible?  _ _  
_   
"Whoa whoa whoa, that's a thing we can do?" Hunk asks while Lance is still reeling.

"Sounds like it." Pidge uncrosses her arms, apparently satisfied now that the she knows what the agenda is. "All right, then."

_ ‘There must be a mistake,’  _ Shiro thinks. He’s not a Paladin anymore. Allura is dead. Gone. Just like their group of friends. Broken, because he could not keep the group together. Broken, because he does not deserve Black’s kindness and Keith’s love. 

The Black Paladin is supposed to be the head of Voltron. The leader of the group. What sort of leader is he when he cannot even fight his own demons? What leader is he when he hides himself behind paperwork and throws himself into peace negotiations to avoid thinking about their fallout? 

"Shiro?", Keith’s voice breaks into his thoughts. 

"I can't just—I have responsibilities. I'm not even a paladin anymore!" Because that’s his mantra. That’s what he’s been telling himself for weeks and months and years.

"Of course you're still a paladin!"    
  
But he isn’t. Is he? 

Keith’s words throw him back to their previous conversation. His last time as a paladin had him waking up in the astral plane, dead and lost. His only connection to his friends through the eyes of Black, having to watch his clone betray his friends. Helpless and immobilized. 

Not the leader Voltron deserved.  _  
_   
Shiro does not remember when exactly Lance started to move, but the next thing he knows Lance has his hands on his shoulders, hauling him in so that they're nose to nose, more or less. "Look me in the eye and tell me you've got responsibilities more important than Allura, Shiro."   
  
Shiro’s eyes widen, shock and surprise and hope and despair raining down on him, when Lance starts swearing. "Tell me what fucking responsibilities you think are more important than the woman who saved this universe — all the universes! Tell me, I fucking dare you."   
  
He closes his eyes, takes a breath, than another, before wrapping his hands on Lance's wrists to remove them from his shoulders. Lance is right. So right.    
  
"No. No, of course not, you're right. I'm out of the habit of being a paladin." He tries so hard to smile, but it’s just for show. "And I guess it's only appropriate that it needs all five of us. Let's go."   
  
But it’s enough to pacify Lance, who turns away from Shiro. "Good. Let's go."   
  
***   
  
It’s not entering his lion that’s the hardest. He’s been there before. Or rather…  _ after _ .   
  
Entering Black’s cockpit is like standing on a beach after being lost at sea for so long you forgot what it feels like to walk. When he was sharing Black’s consciousness in the wake of his death, it made him familiar with the intimate sensation of the narrow cockpit, of every alcove and hidden button a well-known feature. Of the omnipresence of an age-old being, wise and prudent. A lingering in his senses Shiro would never forget.   
  
It’s the part where he has to sit down in the pilot chair that is in fact the hardest. The part where the controls are laid out before him, mocking him to just go on and take them.

It feels like ages ago and only yesterday at the same time that he fought a desperate battle sitting in exactly this chair. Before waking up in the Astral Plane. Before having to watch his clone betray his friends. 

‘Come here, sit down,’ the seat seems to call at him. And it’s stupid, Shiro thinks. It’s only a seat. It’s not the controls, not the pilot chair that can hurt him. So he takes a deep breath.

Purple lights and the soft humming of the ancient machinery bring him back to their first days as a team, to their first fight as Voltron. To shared training sessions and food goo battles. To a time where steering Voltron was something precious. Not something he dreaded. Not the subject of his nightmares.    
  
Sighing, Shiro sits down. 

"Shouldn't we go back for our paladin suits?" Hunk's voice echoes across the comms and tears Shiro from his thoughts. "Or at least our bayards?"

"I don't think it's going to be that kind of trip," Pidge shoots back. She pauses. "I hope not, anyway. Mom still hasn't gotten over that first time."

"Your mom is scary," Hunk says.

Pidge just groans. "God, don't remind me—oh, huh."

It feels so natural hearing their voices over the comms, as if it had not been three years and even more for them to sit in these cockpits together.    
  
Black’s words ring in his head again, telling him it’s time to lift off. "I hope you're all buckled in." Shiro tries his best not to feel strained. "Black says it's time to go."

The words are barely out of his mouth before the Lions are leaping into flight, leaving the planet and taking off into the unknown.   
  
God he has missed this. Missed the adrenaline, the rush of the Lions flying through space. Even if he’s not the one actually piloting, he finds his hand gripping the handles, fingers tightening their grip. Is this what it feels like to come home?   
  
"Okay, why am I even here if you're not going to let me fly?" Keith voice sounds in his ear. Seems like Red is of the same mind as Black, only that Keith feels a lot less complacent about the turn of events. Shiro feels his lips curl upwards. Always the spitfire he remembers.

"Mystic Lion reasons, probably," Hunk suggests.   
  
Before Keith can say what he thinks of that, messages come in from three different directions at once — the Atlas in orbit, the Altean castle, and the little Galra bird that Keith had touched down in. It's a mishmash of protocols and languages, but it all boils down to the same thing, most plainly put by Acxa: "What in the name of the Void are you doing?"

"Urgent Voltron business," Keith tells her. "I'll explain when we get back."

"You had better," she says before signing off. Their shared Galran heritage is sometimes hard to ignore, Shiro thinks, before tending to his own crew.   
  
"Voltron is needed elsewhere,” he tries to state as confidently as possible. “Please inform Commander Iverson that I may need to extend my leave by a few days." The voice of his second lieutenant is flustered and he sputters out a "Yes, sir!", before cutting the line again. He’ll leave it to Iverson to grill the poor lieutenant.   
  
He can hear Lance talking to Coran, can hear the answer through their comms, clear and calm. "Ah, of course. Safe journeys, then, and the ancients grant you good fortune." Because Coran understands. 

"Thanks, Coran," Lance says. "We'll, uh. We'll see you again soon, I hope."

"So do I, dear boy, so do I."   
  
There's just not a whole lot to say to that, so they leave it there and break atmosphere. The stars spread out before them and the Lions lay on the speed.

  
****   
  
Shiro knows it had only been a matter of minutes, but when Black’s request comes, it’s still too early. Always too early. There’s no way around it and when he tries to ignore Black again, the nudge intensifies.    
  
‘Why would you do this to me? You know I can’t’, Shiro’s mind sends to Black, but trying to reasoning with an ancient lion would only bring him so far. And when he finally gives in and lets it out, he’s surprised it’s not only his voice.   
  
"They want us to form Voltron." Keith’s voice sounds too pleased, too certain. Like the leader he is, like the leader he was always meant to be.    
  
Shiro hears Pidge bickering and Hunk agreeing, but the voices start blurring in his mind when his eyes keep wandering to where his hands are clutching the handles of Black’s controls so tight he can see his knuckles turning white.

He can’t. He  _ can’t _ .    
  
He’s not the leader the others deserve. He’s not the leader Black deserves.   
  
It’s Keith – of course it’s Keith, it’s always Keith – who finally calls to him, breaking his thoughts. "Shiro?"   
  
And Shiro sighs. There’s no way he can put this back any longer.   
  
"Sorry, guys. I'm pretty out of practice with this." It’s a lame excuse. He waits for Lance to remark that he commands the Atlas and transforms her into her mech configuration pretty regularly. But the Atlas is not Voltron. The Atlas is young and malleable. And did not require baring your mind to four other people. Four other people he calls his friends, four others he feels ashamed of showing his broken mind to.   
  
When he finally says it, the words come out in the most tentative voice. "Anyway. Form Voltron!"   
  
It’s not that he does not try his best.    
  
Shiro feels his nails cutting into his hands, but that’s as much feeling as there is. His mind reaches out, tries to reach for Hunk’s sturdiness, for the quicksilver brilliance of Pidge and Green, for Lance’s fire and determination, for Keith…   
  
For Keith. He cannot reach out for Keith. Because he feels just the softest nudge from Red, feels every particle of Keith desperate and full of emotion, trying to draw at a string that Shiro  _ knows _ had been there before, a long time ago, in another body and another life.    
  
And Shiro breaks.    
  
"I can't."   
  
There are startled cries and curses ringing in his mind, but it’s all too much, flooding his thoughts. He buries his head in his hands, his fingers grabbing at his hair. There’s a cold shiver running down his spine and his eyes widen in shock. He’s not worthy. He can’t. He’s not a Paladin anymore.   
  
Weak. Unworthy. Broken.   
  
Weak. Unworthy.    
  
_ Broken _ .    
  
The words like a crescendo in his head. The air feels tight, too tight.   
  
Like there’s no air left in the small cockpit of Black.    
  
He cannot breathe.   
  
_ Weak. Unworthy. Broken. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Weak. _   
  
“..iro… Shiro, can you hear me?” It’s Hunk voice that he hears first.    
  
"I'm going to start counting for you, and I need you to breathe for me as I do—inhale on one, two, three, four, now hold, five, six, seven, eight, exhale on nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. And again, in on one, two, three, four…"”   
  
And Shiro tries. Tries so hard, the first few breaths barely more than a stutter, no air filling his lungs.    
  
By the time Hunk reaches eleven, his lungs start to function again. Hunk is steady as a metronome, but he keeps going for a while after that before he finally says, "All right, that'll get us by for now."

It’s shame that creeps up his spine and under his skin. "Sorry," Shiro says. His team deserves the truth. "Sorry. I don't—I can't do this. I'm sorry."   
  
"What's wrong?" It does not surprise him that it’s Keith who jumps in right away. "What can we do?"

The way Shiro laughs is bitter. Keith has always been so optimistic when it came to him. Thinking there was anything... "There's not anything you can do. This isn't something you can fix."

"You don't know that," Keith argues. "We can at least try—"   
  
"Keith!", he tries not to sound desperate. Tries not to sound like the shattered man he is. "You can't fix everything. Some things are just broken."   
  
“That’s not true. You just have to let us try!” Keith has never been one to give up easy. Especially not on him.    
  
‘I won’t give up on you’ resonates in his mind. And Shiro bites his lips. It’s his own words. He cannot even live up to his own words anymore.    
  
"Trying can't change what's happened, Keith." Because the damage was done.    
  
"I never said it could, but you won't even talk about it." Keith words sound… bewildered. Hurt. "Why won't you just talk to me?" 

The question makes Shiro choke on his words.    
  
When the silence drags out long enough, it gets heavy enough to press more words out of Keith. "Is it something I did?"    
  
Shiro cannot answer. Of course it’s not something Keith did.

So Keith keeps going, stumbling along, his words so lost. "If it's me—just tell me, I'll make it right, I swear I will, but I've done everything I can think of and it hasn't worked. I don't know what else I can do!"   
  
Keith sounds miserable, and he sounds desperate, and most of all he sounds scared. Terrified, even. For all the wrong reasons. Leave it to Keith to search the fault in his actions.

"Shiro, please—"

"Keith, stop." When it finally comes back to him, Shiro’s voice sounds about as rough as Keith does. "Stop it, it's too much. You can't keep doing this. You can't—I can't."

"I don't know what that means!" A bitter laugh escapes Shiro’s lips.    
  
"Just—you have to let go, Keith, please," Shiro says. Begs, maybe a little. "It's too much."   
  
“Shiro, please.” His name in Keith’s voice feels so betrayed, as if Shiro had stabbed him. It hurts to think about it. But he has to stop Keith. Has to stop him from trying to save what can’t be saved anymore. "I can't—Shiro, please. I need you. I can—I'll try not to be so pushy, but please—you're the best friend I've ever had—you're the most important person in the world to me—"   
  
And it is the moment that his walls crumbles.   
  
"Maybe I shouldn't be!" Shiro shouts, louder than intended. "Maybe you should start living your own life!" He’s not angry, never at Keith. It’s his anguish speaking, breaking from his heart, where he could feel it like vines tightening their grip. "I'm a fucking mess, all right? There's so much broken inside my head that my shrinks have to call in for backup, and I'm never going to be okay, and you just don't get it, you keep throwing yourself away on me and I can't stand it anymore!"   
  
It’s out.   
  
He’s bared his soul.   
  
And Keith does not response. For a minute.   
  
Shiro counts the seconds. It’s the worst 70 seconds of his life.

"You think I'm throwing myself away?" Keith says it slowly, like the words don't make any sense to him and he's trying to puzzle out their meaning.

"You mean you don't? For God's sake, I've lost count of how many times you've nearly gotten yourself killed for my sake, and you just—you don't know how to quit, you won't give up when you should, you—" Shiro stops, breathing hard. "I don't know why you won't just give it up."

Keith doesn't say anything to that, not at first. He can hear his breathe over the communication system. It’s fast and hard.   
  
But when Keith finally does break the silence, he's recovered some of his calm. He says softly, "I know you remember our fight, even though you won't talk about it. That's fine. Nothing has actually changed, and it never will. I still love you—"

  
And there it is.

  
The last wall.

  
Hanging deep and meaningful between them. The first time in the better part of four years. The words they had never dared to address.   
  
"—even if you don't feel like I should. I'm always going to love you, even though I know—" Keith's voice wavers slightly, but he keeps going in spite of it "—I know you don't love me. Not like that. And you can't make me give up on you, even if you've given up on yourself. And I don't care what anyone says, you're not broken." His voice goes fierce on that. "And even if you were broken, I'd still love you, because you're you and you're the best person I've ever known and—" He stops; the only sound coming through is his breathing, soft inhale and exhale. "Anyway. I'll try to rein it in. I'm sorry that I've been too much. Never was any good at moderation, but you already knew that."

_ Stop, don’t,  _ his brain wants to shout. He does not deserve this kindness. Keith was too much. Always too much. Too good. Shiro tells him so, even if his voice betrays him and breaks in between.    
  
"It really isn't," Keith replies. "You deserve everything. I'd give it all to you if you wanted me to. Since that's not gonna happen, you'll just have to deal with me doing whatever I think I can get away with doing to look after you instead."    
  
Shiro slumps back into his pilot chair, his hands shaking and knuckles white when he buries his face in his fingers. He feels a wetness on his skin though he’s not sure when the tears have started.

"You'll get tired of it eventually," Shiro says roughly. "Everyone does." Because that’s what had happened with Adam, tired of his suicidal mission to Kerberos. That’s what had happened with the Garrison, deciding to give up on searching for their lost crew. 

Keith utters a rueful little laugh. It shakes Shiro to the bones. "Yeah, no, not gonna happen. Fun fact: Galra mate for life, and Mom definitely passed that one down to me."

"They do not," is all he can press between his lips without starting to blast out into hysterical laughter. Keith had to be kidding him. Keith was too good to have a broken man like him as a  _ mate _ . "You're making that up."

"Believe me, I'm really not." He can hear Keith sigh – and it’s an honest sigh, Shiro realises. "It doesn't matter, anyway. You'd be it for me even if I was a hundred percent human. And I hope I'll get to see you happy again one of these days, even if it's not gonna be with me." He sighs again. "And… I miss my best friend, Shiro."   
  
Keith has never been a person to wax poetic or champion romance. Keith is raw and straightforward, honest and warm, and it makes Shiro  _ feel _ . Feel the pain of years without his best friend. Feel the pain of lonely nights and empty days, the pain of not knowing, not daring to ask.

It’s not before the moment Shiro answers, that everything falls from his lips and his heart. "I miss mine, too. Even if I really do think he deserves better than this."

For two heartbeats, the only sound between them is the humming of their lions and their slowing breaths.    
  
"…does that mean you're going to stop freezing me out?" Keith says tentatively, as if he is still unsure the last few minutes have actually happened. Because that’s how it feels to Shiro.   
  
"I'll… I'll try. But I'm not exaggerating about being fucked up, you know," Shiro admits with a sigh. 

He wants to try. He has to try. For Keith. For himself. He’s tired of feeling broken and lonely.   
  
"And I'm not exaggerating about how very little I care about that," Keith says. Because it’s Keith. Because he’s the only person in the whole universe who would say something like this and get away with it. "Not as long as you'll let me stick around, anyway."

"I really don't know what I ever did to make you think I deserve this." His words cannot describe how much he does not understand why Keith would ever be so willingful to accept him just as he was. Why would he want a broken man? 

"You didn't have to do anything," Keith says, unbearably gentle. "You were just you." The words make him huff. Keith is pure. So pure and golden.   
  
And always so cocky. "Yeah, sure, have it your way, I guess." 

"I usually do.” Shiro can practically  _ hear _ the grin on Keith’s face and it surprises him how easy it is to fall into their old bickering, as if nothing had ever happened.    
  
For the first time in years, Keith brings a smile to his lips and his heart.   
  
  
"Soooooo...!"   
  
_ Oh shit. _ _  
_ _  
_ Shiro chokes on his breathe when the nagging voice of Lance reminds him of the presence of the other three Paladins.   
  
_ Oh shit. _   
  
"Now that all that's settled, do you think we can get back to the important stuff like going after Allura?" The mischief in Lance’s voice is apparent.   
  
"You heard all of that,” Shiro sputters and his face feels so hot he thinks that now would be a good moment to spontaneously combust. 

"Yeah, sorry," Pidge says, sounding not even a little bit sorry. "You could've opened up a private channel."

"You could have tuned out of a conversation that was none of your business," Keith grinds out. His voice sounds just as flustered as Shiro feels.

"Nah, we've been too worried about you idiots," Lance says, breezy. "But seriously: Allura? Forming Voltron for Allura? Now, please?"

The distraction works pretty well; Shiro hisses. Ah. Yeah. That.    
  
"That's… going to be a problem."

Thank goodness for Hunk. "This isn't a battle," he says. "It's not going to be like last time."

"And even if Black did suck you back into the astral plane, we all know Keith would just jump in after you," Pidge adds. "He'd probably take Black apart with his bare hands if that was what it took to get you back."

"And we'd be right there helping him," Lance points out. "So there's that."

"Nothing's going to happen," Keith says firmly. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you ever again."

Shiro sighs, but this time there’s a warmth pooling in his chest. "That's really not a promise you can make and expect to keep," he says, wearily. But he owes it to his friends to try. 

Because this time, he really would try his best.

"All right. Let's form Voltron, guys."

And when the five of them snap into place, and he senses gentle thoughts from Keith nudging at his mind, welcoming him back in the purest way, he genuinely feels back where he belongs.    
  
He makes sure to send Keith the same warmth through their shared bonds. They would need to talk about their feelings. The would need to sort out where they would be going from there, with Keith’s feelings laid bare. Shiro owes it to him to at least try to be the man Keith wants and deserves. 

Because it’s Keith. Selfless and amazing, always willing to give him everything.   
  
And Shiro is over missing the man he loves.   
  
"It’s good to be back," Shiro admits and he can hear Black resonate with his words, purring soft and familiar.    
  
The soft hums of the five lions reach out for them, encasing the Paladins minds. He can feel Pidge’s relief and amusement. Hunk’s curiosity. Lance's complacence. And Keith, so warm and honest and pure. 

And full of love for him.   
  
_ Voltron is home _ , Shiro thinks.   
  
"Now let's go find Allura.”   
  
*****   
  


**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
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